We were not alone in loosing a bundle on last night's big football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the Chicago Bears. But, we bet we are the only ones who lost big bucks the way we did.

Apple started it all with their 1984 commercial. It was a classic and a cult hit. People took notice of Macs and that is about it. It may not have sold enough new computers or cut into IBM's market share sufficiently to justify the cost, but it certainly gave Apple a special, counter-cultural identification.

During the dot.com era, Monster.com gained instant credibility and hits through its in-game advertisements. The website bet the entire company; they put their money all on the commercial and won.

Quinlan's Inside Magic receives a respectable amount of hits. We're above the web's version of the Mendoza Line but we want it to be in the Cal Ripken or even Ted Williams' range.

So we bet the company last night.

Fox Television offered 30 second slots for $2.6 million. We don't have $2.6 million. We don't even have a measly $2 million or even a million.

Sure we could scrounge up some bucks by the following:

• Sell magic collection on eBay ($3,000);
• Sell clothes on eBay ($155.00); blood at three unrelated blood banks ($78.00);
• Sell hair and other things to a weird Asian lady in our neighborhood who buys hair, fingernails, lint, and ear wax for some kind of modern art of black art ($5.00);
• Sell kidney - the left one, we'll keep the bigger of the two ($9,000);
• Sell our neighbor's cars ($18,000);
• Collect reward for safe of our neighbor's cars ($200);
• Offer comfort and company to lonely truckers on our nation's highways ($226.50 - $1.25 at a time);
• Offer to interpret dreams to divine "lucky numbers" for customers at the Indian Bingo Hall and the Mystic Hollow Public Library ($40.00);
• Engage in strong-arm robbery of the Mystic Hollow Liquor Emporium ($200 - depends on timing and whether we will accept booze in trade for money);
• Sell right of first refusal to the strange Asian woman for all of our excess hair, wax, lint and body fluids for a five-year period ($190);
• Engage in black-market Yo-Yo sales and demonstrations using knock-offs of the original Duncan versions ($25.00);

• Sell piggy-back rides to guys at the bus and commuter train stops ($77);
• Collect cans and return for deposit ($9.00);
• Blackmail piggy-back riders ($1,200);
• Have traumatic slip-and-fall "accident" at Mystic Hollow's only superstore ($9,200 - based on recent TV commercials for a lawyer in town);
• Throw Three Card Monte ($0.00 - we are terrible at the false throws, we'd just do it for practice);
• Go caroling ($4.00 - we should have done this earlier in the winter, near Christmas);
• Work as "before" actor on informercials ($325 - union scale minimum for "physically deformed non-speaking part in national promotion");
• Sell gun from strong-arm robbery ($10.00 - it was a fake one, a small Super-Soaker filled with catsup to make the victim think he got hit - our idea);
• Claim patent rights for "modern technology" and threaten litigation unless the company settles quickly ($1 Million - kind of iffy but others seem to be using this ploy);
• Sell home dental floss recycler ($27);
• Buy bunches (200) $1.00 scratch-off lottery tickets ($200 worth = pay out of approximately $198.00 - but even though we will lose money we are still happy - we love to scratch or pick things, any thing - the lottery tickets will be like picking and scratching our skin but without pain or blood - we share a special mutual hobby with the strange Asian lady);
• Feign stupidity and bump into things at expensive stores ($50.00 - we tried it and it works - plus they feel sorry for you when they pay you to leave);
• Glue basketball covered with a pillow case to hip and claim to be Siamese Twins - one normal, the other a shy, smaller twin who loved Halloween so much he never wanted to take off his costume ($40.00 for side-show or $100,000 for story to tabloids);
• Be the fifth caller when the DJ says "The fifth caller wins!" ($?? - depends on what you win. Could be junk or something really good - need redial on phone, though);
• Sell rich women "Buttocks Botox" in suppository form ($500 - no one is going to admit they bought something called Buttocks Botox or that they used it as directed, or that they checked for results and found none);
• Offer to buy minors liquor ($20 - when arrested say you were buying miners liquor, not minors - in fact we wondered why they looked so clean but figured they must be mining for laundry detergent or the disembodied spirits of miners and therefore technically ageless);
• Start a cult, but a good cult ($2,200 - it really won't be a "good" cult but they won't know that until they have sold everything, are making money peddling the personal belongings of other recruits, and have sworn their allegiance to us and our right-hand assistant, The Weird Asian Lady);
• Appear on Oprah to confess the "bad cult" disguised as a "good cult," sell books or get a spin-off show like Rachel Ray, Dr. Phil, or the others ($20,000 - we have to remember to take off our costumed little Siamese Twin brother so audience members don't blow our cover by asking to touch him);

The grand total for all of this scrounging is just under $35,000 if one assumes that most of the ideas are just plain terrible and even if they are great, we are really lazy.

So we spoke with our rep at Fox Television Sales Department, Terri King-Lewis.

We told Ms. King-Lewis we only had a few hundred dollars. She asked how much we had available on credit cards. We figured we had $12,000 available for cash advance.

Ms. King-Lewis understood our ambition and worked to find a solution. She offered to sell us a "special big football game ad package" for just under $12,000. Talk about a coincidence!

That left us with about $200 to film our commercial, edit it, copy it to the network quality media, and ship it via insured mail to Ms. King-Lewis' private P.O. Box in West Hollywood, California.

We really appreciated that Ms. King-Lewis was risking so much for us. She said if the "corporate big-wigs found out she was only taking $12,000 for the 30 second slot, they would likely fire her right on the spot." That's why we had to send it to her privately. She also wanted us to send the $12,000 in cash divided into three Federal Express envelopes for overnight delivery. Hollywood is so different that the rest of the business world. In corporate-land, they would never think of sending cash in one Fed Ex shipment, much less three.

We filmed our ad down at the Thumb Tip Inn -- a local Mystic Hollow lounge for magicians and jugglers. Here's the script for it:

Bar with magic accoutrement and well-dressed magicians sitting
in alternating boy - girl order around the bar.
One stool is left open near the right-center of the bar.
The bartender is dressed provocatively in a tightly-fitting silk blouse and very short black skirt.
She holds a magic wand expectantly above the empty seat and looks into the camera.
Assuming Claudine as BARTENDER, voice in low, seductive tones but full of her mid-continental accent
(Note: if Claudine is not available for the shoot, use Guy Tussle but without a skirt --
unless he insists).

AUDIO

(ESTABLISH LOUNGE MUSIC AND FADE FOR..)

BARTENDER:

Won't you join us here at Quinlan's Inside Magic?

OVERWEIGHT PATRON / MAGICIAN IN TUX NODS,
AND HIS RABBIT NODS FROM BRIM OF HAT ON BAR

Yes, join us today. It will be like returning to your home, your youth.

BARTENDER SMILES AS IF INSIDE JOKE WITH VIEWER -- POINTS TO EMPTY CHAIR WITH MAGIC WAND

Yes, like when you were very little; still in diapers.
See, we even have your stool. So come back baby!

SCENE: FADE TO BLACK

(Good hearted laughing heard,
then laughing by one male voice heard above all others.
Laughing of male voice turns to coughing, gagging, and deep wheezing
Thumping sound as if body hit wooden floor).

SCENE: FADE FROM BLACK

(We see that two seats are now available.
Fat man on floor gurgling as magicians strike his chest
in desperate attempt to restart his heart.
His an animated (or puppet) rabbit gives mouth-to-mouth in time with chest presses
and shows disgust (with Jerry Lewis type exaggerated facial contortions)
with smell of magician's breath)

CLOSE-UP ON BARTENDER - STILL SMILING BUT WITH SOME CONCERN

BARTENDER:

And you can bring a friend, Baby. We have a new opening.

SCENE: FADE TO BLACK

ANNOUNCER:

Quinlan's Inside Magic - Magic News for the Professional Magician. For every day of his life
-- even his last one.

(READ QUICKLY) No animals were hurt in
the making of this commercial -- at least not physically.

GRAPHICS: www.insidemagic.com

SCENE: SPOTLIGHT CIRCLE SHOWING DISTRESSED RABBIT, STILL BREATHING INTO MASTER'S MOUTH

SCENE: FADE TO BLACK AND OUT

We wrote it without any help. We did not need script consultants or "ghost writers" to put this together. We wonder how those people justify their incomes -- there is nothing to this commercial stuff.

Yes, the joke is a bit edgy but that is how a company gets exposure. We want viewers to discuss the commercial around the water-cooler the next day.

So we were all set. We just needed to get our scheduled airtime.

Ms. King-Lewis said our special deal was sort of a contingency arrangement. Our ad would only show if the game went into overtime. That meant the teams had to be tied at the end of the game.

We knew the odds of the game going into overtime were against us. But we were willing to take our shot. We wanted to swing for the fences and make it or break it. This was do or die and we wanted to do.

Unfortunately, as you now know, the game did not end in a tie. Not even close. As badly as we feel, we feel even worse for the every cheerful and helpful Ms. King-Lewis. She apparently stuck her neck out a little too far on our behalf.

We called Fox to tell her not to worry. She was already fired. Apparently at Fox, once you're fired, they scrub you from the knowledge bank. Everyone from the receptionist to the head of Marketing and Sales said they had never heard of a Terri King-Lewis. She was dead to them.

Hollywood is a tough town. We knew that and Ms. King-Lewis knew it as well. She rolled the big dice with an underdog and came up craps. Our Pass Line bet was backed up with 12 Times Odds, our best hopes, and watered down casino liquor.

If you see our commercial on You Tube or Google, let us know. We sent our only copy to Ms. King-Lewis.

You see, we truly went for broke and came up broken but not broken-est as we could have been. Because we made a friend in the business -- the business, to quote half-time performer Prince, "a little thing we call life."

- Provided by InsideMagic